Before Bitsy....(part 1)

**Please be advised that this post will be long and is based on a heavy topic.  It is the story of the worst day of my life.


A few years back Bud was on the phone with his father when I overheard him say something along the lines of, "who knows maybe we will have kids in the next couple years".
Upon the end of that phone call I freaked out and yelled at Bud, "How could you say that, we've never discussed when we will have kids, I don't have it in my brain that we are going to have kids anytime soon, if this is something you are serious about we need to start talking about it so that I can readjust my thinking"!  (yeah I sounded kinda like that)

Needless to say, Bud and I did start the process of deciding when we would start a family.  We made plans for me to go off my birth control in the spring of 2010.  At which point we would continue to be careful until mid-September (a date I randomly calculated in my head) when we would 'stop being careful'.
September 1, 2010 rolled around and Bud asked what difference does 2 weeks make.
I asked him if he was really ready to be a Dad and he asked, "Only if you are really ready to be a Mom".
September 20th...my diary entry reads as follows:

"I slept horribly.  At 4:50 I woke up & took another test.  The second line was so faint, but I knew.  I went all day thinking about the fact that I was most likely pregnant.  Bud didn't workout so he was home earlier than I had hoped.  I told him I was gonna run to the store to grab some dinner.  I went to Target 1st and bought the digital test & right after buying them I rushed to the Target bathroom.  I tested.  I waited & then on the screen flashed the magic words pregnant!  I rushed to Randalls' to get something to pour the pasta sauce on.  Herb chicken tortellini.  When I got home Bud was playing Nazi Zombies.  I prepped the pasta sauce & waited until he could help me make dinner.  He played & played & finally he was done.  He didn't know why I needed help.  I never ask for help, but upon my request he grabbed the sauce from the fridge & set it on the counter.  "I hope you like the sauce," I said.  He assured me he would & started shaking it up.  Finally, he read the label.

In case you can't read this it said:
We are...PREGO
Secret Family Recipe
Custom made by Bud & Biz

He laughed & then he realized it was real.  He's gonna be a Dad!  Best moment.  I can't believe we got this 1st try.  Actually I can.  We asked God.  He is in control.  Bud said, "Now all the people who said you couldn't plan this will be surprised"!

I went to the doctor the a few days later and he confirmed that we were 4 weeks pregnant.  

We decided we were going to wait until Christmas to tell the family, after all we were going home for Christmas and we would have been 17 weeks pregnant...we knew it was going to be hard to keep it a secret that long (we weren't even sure if we could hide it that long)!

Now this is when the story changes and we flash forward to November 4th, 2010.

I had a small scare, a little spotting...but I rested and tried not to worry myself.

November 5th...more spotting and this time a call to the Dr. who advised I go home and rest.

November 6th....one year ago today...the worst day of my life.

I'll spare the graphic details, but I will explain how my day went.

Bud left for work & then promptly returned.  He told me later that he saw the worry in my face & knew he needed to be home with me.  I received a phone call from a friend.  After getting off the phone with her my 1st of 8 trips to the bathroom began.  It was during my time in the bathroom that Bud heard me cry out, "Oh God".  It is the only time in my life that I can remember uttering that phrase in a way other than praise and worship.  Bud said he heard me and he knew.  5 minutes later I emerged.  Bud grabbed me & pulled me close & we sobbed together.  Then Bud prayed & praised God.  We called my Dr and got the nurses answering service.  Shortly after leaving a message with them, my Dr called back.  He confirmed what we already knew.  We had miscarried.  Since I didn't have a fever there was no need to go to the hospital.  Multiple more trips to the restroom followed and each time the same horrible experience.  I cleaned up after each trip and then promptly returned to the couch.  My tear soaked cheeks, my matted hair, my breaking heart.  Bud did everything he could.  When the worst of it was over around mid-afternoon we were exhausted and decided to take a nap.  45 minutes into our nap I needed to use the restroom again.  I was groggy and dizzy and overwhelmed with nausea.  I finally thought I was okay and I attempted to stand...I blacked out.  Bud found me quickly.  I was cold & clammy & sweaty.  I didn't hit my head, but I did hit my hand...only minimal damage.  Bud took care of me better than I could have thought possible.  We had planned to meet with friends that night to watch the KSU vs. UT football game.  Bud told me we should stay home, but I insisted that I get a shower and get out of the house.  After being in the house all day I couldn't be there any longer.  I needed fresh air.  I needed to be around friends.  It was the best thing I could do for myself...

People may not understand how Bud could praise God after everything that had happened that day, but I understand it.  We weren't praising the loss of our baby, we were praising the fact that God protected us from something far worse.  I was never physically in pain during the entire process.  We knew that despite this horrible occurrence, God had a plan in place.  We knew that by experiencing this ourselves we could someday help someone else who may not have the same confidence in God's plan that we did.

I'll be back on tomorrow to finish this story.  

I hope you all had a Blessed Sunday